Wednesday, July 12, 2017

30 Day Challenge (and hamburger meat)

I've been doing this since last Friday.  It was easy to do while I was at the Denver conference because eating is normally a social thing I do and I wasn't being social.  The only time blanched at this diet during the conference was the day they served box lunches and mine was a bag of potato chips, a chocolate chip cookie, and a sandwich made of white bread, one piece of lettuce, one piece of cheddar cheese, and a lot of very pink, slimy roast beef.    Yes, pink is my favorite color but not when it comes to meat.  With meat, my favorite color is very dark brown bordering on black.  I hate pink.

Luckily, that evening was my one social activity and I went to a Mexican restaurant with Minor and John.  It was like the old days of DeColores.  The restaurant served me three bowls of salsa with a spoon that I didn't have to share with anyone and a very good taco salad without the taco shell.

Coming home yesterday, I stopped at B's and my favorite restaurant in Alamosa, Colorado - a great Mexican buffet called Cavillo's.  That's a safe restaurant for me because all I want is beans, salad, salsa, and watermelon.  It's unsafe for B because all she wants is Tres Leches cake.  One time, we spent four days in Alamosa, went to Cavillo's every day, and ate exactly the above.  It's good that she wasn't with me this time.  She can no longer eat sugar.

I also haven't had ketchup since last Thursday.  I read this challenge as essentially meaning 'no sugar' and I'm trying to change how I see ketchup.  I want to try looking at it as less of a necessity and more of a sugar.

And I haven't weighed since Friday morning.  Normally I weigh every day because I think that helps me watch my diet.  Hellllllooo, that may have helped in the past but it sure hasn't helped during the last few months.  It been like, "Good Morning Self!  Let's start our day off with a bit of Self-Loathing and Depression....    Now have a GREAT DAY!!!!"

I'll weigh on August 7th.

To change the subject - while sticking to food......  See this picture?



B is making chili today.  It looks like dogs or mice got to this meat before we did, right?  But actually, what ate the meat, styrofoam, plastic wrap - and plastic grocery bag that it was all in - was my ice maker.  My freezer was full so B laid the newly bought bag of hamburger meat on top of the ice in the ice maker.  We didn't realize what had happened until Barb came to get ice and found it mixed with raw hamburger meat.  In fact, Lissa had filled her cup from the ice dispenser in the refrigerator door and didn't notice, until later, that she was drinking water with little pieces of hamburger meat and styrofoam floating around in it.

It was one of those pee dripping down my legs moments for B, Barb, and me when Barb found it.  The funniest thing was the Smith's grocery bag.  It had been chewed up by the ice maker and was now a extremely long, two-inch wide strip of plastic wrapped around and around the ice maker turner-thingy.  I wanted to take a picture of it after I untangled it from the ice maker but B wouldn't let me.

I hope that some of you will do this challenge with me.

Love,
Jenn




Wednesday, July 5, 2017

I Promised (to myself) Transparency

So, I'll tell you about today.
In 12 Step Programs, there is the slogan HALT.   It means
* don't get too Hungry
* don't get too Angry
* don't get too Lonely
* don't get too Tired

Well, I started today 'too tired'. I hosted a cookout yesterday and spent the day cleaning and preparing, then I was on the road this morning at 6:30 (which is still night time to me) making the first of two trips to Santa Fe.

I didn't have anything in my belly but coffee and by the time of the second trip, I was starving.  So I was "too hungry".  But I had lost my phone and spent an hour backtracking through Santa Fe to find it, so it was nearly 1:00 when B and I went to eat at India Palace.  It's been years since I've eaten there because they have a WONDERFUL Indian food buffet and I know that buffets and me should not hang out together.  But ...... "too tired" and "too hungry" = a set up for me to get in a toxic relationship with a buffet.

I don't understand Indian food, I don't know what's in it - all I know is that I love it two plates worth.   As soon as I stuffed it all in, I had a stomach ache that lasted all afternoon.  I took my first afternoon nap of the summer, then picked up B to go get a drink at Sonic later in the day.  I was still questioning whether I had food poisoning or was going to barf or was still just stuffed when these words came out of my mouth: "I don't know if I'm going to throw up or if I need American food".
B's words were "What in the hell are you talking about?"
My explanation was "My body feels like I ate too much Indian food and now I need a Sonic cheeseburger and fries to feel better."
B (who hates racism as I do) said "THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!!!!"
And I realized that I sounded like I was a food racist.  And I didn't even know there was such a thing!

But you know what??  That was exactly what my tummy needed.  It needed a greasy, fatty Sonic cheeseburger and fries.   Then my body was ok.  Fat, but no longer queasy.

Weird.

Love,
Jenn


Monday, July 3, 2017

My Body Can Attest To The Fact That I Haven't Blogged In Over A Year

After a fiasco in a lake due to my extra weight (and bad knees), I've decided to lay it all out there again.  I've put off blogging for a looooooonnnngggg time.  The problem with having a weight loss blog is that you set yourself up for advice (99.999999999% of which you already know).  You also set yourself up to be chastised, sometimes shamed, 'given a serious talkin' to', being told that you're being told something 'for your own good', judgement (spoken and unspoken), and a copious amount of eye-rolling that you can actually see across the internet wave lengths.   And to be honest, NONE of that helps.
For me, the reason a weight loss blog helps is not because of what others say, but because of what I say.  What I lay out there.  What helps is me essentially saying "OK, this shit right here is me.  It's all the corners and crevices.  I can no longer hide from you."  And, because of some internal process that obviously is too close to me for me to understand, saying that on a blog (and assuming that people I love will read it) magically makes me be more accountable about how I take care of myself.  It makes me be more aware, more cognizant of what I put it in my mouth - because I know I'm going to tell you about it.  
It's like guilt works for me - IN ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE EXCEPT EATING.  I don't lie, I don't cheat, I try to do what I say and say what I do because I HATE feeling guilty.  Guilt guides my behavior.  It's like bowling ball gutter bumpers - knowing I will feel guilty about something keeps me in the bowling lane - my ball (behavior) doesn't necessarily go straight down the middle of the lane but it doesn't go into the gutter because of my gutter bumpers (knowing my guilt limit).

(Oh my God, you can tell I haven't blogged in awhile because I've forgotten how to make sense to other people!)

Anyway,  my guilt button works in all areas of my life except eating.  I think that's because, if I lie and cheat, I impact other people.  My eating just impacts me (and, yes, I know, the people who love me and want me to live a long time) but mainly just me.

So, that was a very blahblah way to tell you that, what makes me accountable where eating is concerned, is sharing my failures and my successes publicly.  If I 'live out loud', I live better and safer.  True fact.

About six months ago, I knew that I needed to blog but I couldn't figure out how to access my blog.  After the lake fiasco, I knew (again) that I needed to blog so I tried to set it up last night from my phone because I was too lazy to get up and get my computer.

Then today (more about that in a minute) where I "forgot" what I could eat in a restaurant that I've made good choices in many times before - I reached the point where I had to come straight home (still burping up Mexican food) and blog.

But first about the lake:
I was supposed to have knee replacement surgery next week but I cancelled it two months ago.  In Lake Dunlap, outside of New Braunfels, I knew that I DO HAVE TO HAVE knee surgery.  So I'll schedule it for next summer.  However, if I try to tell you that my lake problem was just because of my knee while you are looking at my body, you will know that I'm full of shit.  The truth is, a skinny person with bad knees (or even NO knees) wouldn't have had the problem I had in the lake.

Uhhh,  transparency, Jenny!  My knees probably had little to do with my lake problem.   I know that doesn't give me an excuse not to get knee surgery but my knees just exaggerated my lake problem, they didn't cause it.  (.... and this is the first time I've admitted that even to myself....)

Here is my lake problem in the form of a picture book called Coast Guard Comes To Lake Dunlap.

Jenny and Nina go floating in Lake Dunlap.  Nina is smiling because she doesn't know yet that she will have to haul the float back against the current with her mother in it.  

Jenny is smiling because Nina is pulling the float and because .... Jenny is clueless.  

Jenny not only floats.  She also gloats and throws peace signs.  Again, because she is clueless and has no idea................


................................... that THIS will become the bane of her existence.

 So when it's time to get out of the lake, I just go up the ladder like usual cannot haul myself up the ladder AT ALL.  The rungs are like three feet apart probably at least a foot apart.  After many tries, I finally get my right knee on the second rung but there is NO WAY I can put my weight (PLUS the extra 100 pounds that I carry around for grins) on THAT knee to haul my butt up the ladder.

Here's a blank page in the picture book because there is no way in hell we're going to have pictures of that debacle:

Jenny tried.  And tried and tried.  And tried and tried and tried to come up the ladder.  
She frantically kept saying to Nina, "DON'T TELL ANYBODY!!!".

Nina was getting more and more rattled by the idea of her mother stuck in the lake like the Loch Ness Monster.  (...this could be how that story started out too, ya know!)

Jenny swam from dock to dock trying to find a way out. of. the. fucking. pretty. lake.  

Nina worriedly followed on the shore (going through fences that divided up private properties) trying to stay caught up with her momma in case Jenny decided to drown.

Just when Jenny thought she would have to call the lake-equivalent of the Coast Guard (probably just the drunk guys who kept waterskiing past her),  she found a stranger's dock - on private property, of course - who had a ladder with closer rungs.  

As Nina crawled through another fence, Jenny hauled her butt up the ladder and onto the dock.  

She and Nina vowed to never tell anyone about it.  

But Jenny was left with bruises on her arms that made her look like an abused woman.  

(Which actually is a much more socially acceptable story than that of a fat woman unable to get out of a lake - but Jenny doesn't lie, remember?)  









                     






                                 The End






Story time is over, y'all.

The icing on the cake (is there a non-food-related term for this????) was the fact that I awoke this morning with the commitment to make changes.  I had received two new books about an eating lifestyle change that I wanted to read.   I had fruit and cheese for breakfast and made the commitment to not eat any grains for awhile.

I went to lunch with Gay.  We went to Viola's where I have been A THOUSAND TIMES and stayed on my diet.  All I have to do there is order a bowl of pinto beans and green chile.  It's one of my favorite foods, is good for me, and is something that I allow myself on my Jenny Diet.
Unfortunately, today at Viola's, I looked at the the menu and could find NOTHING for a dieting person to eat.  NOTHING!!!!  So I ordered chips and salsa, a Dallas Burrito (hamburger meat, beans, cheese, sour cream - and named after Texas so I love it), more beans, and a sopapilla with honey.  And ketchup.

After I got home, I thought "BEANS!  THAT'S WHAT I USUALLY ORDER - BEANS!!"  And I decided that I really do need to blog.

Again, I'm not blogging for others to help me.  I'm blogging to help myself.

Love,
Jenn