Monday, July 3, 2017

My Body Can Attest To The Fact That I Haven't Blogged In Over A Year

After a fiasco in a lake due to my extra weight (and bad knees), I've decided to lay it all out there again.  I've put off blogging for a looooooonnnngggg time.  The problem with having a weight loss blog is that you set yourself up for advice (99.999999999% of which you already know).  You also set yourself up to be chastised, sometimes shamed, 'given a serious talkin' to', being told that you're being told something 'for your own good', judgement (spoken and unspoken), and a copious amount of eye-rolling that you can actually see across the internet wave lengths.   And to be honest, NONE of that helps.
For me, the reason a weight loss blog helps is not because of what others say, but because of what I say.  What I lay out there.  What helps is me essentially saying "OK, this shit right here is me.  It's all the corners and crevices.  I can no longer hide from you."  And, because of some internal process that obviously is too close to me for me to understand, saying that on a blog (and assuming that people I love will read it) magically makes me be more accountable about how I take care of myself.  It makes me be more aware, more cognizant of what I put it in my mouth - because I know I'm going to tell you about it.  
It's like guilt works for me - IN ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE EXCEPT EATING.  I don't lie, I don't cheat, I try to do what I say and say what I do because I HATE feeling guilty.  Guilt guides my behavior.  It's like bowling ball gutter bumpers - knowing I will feel guilty about something keeps me in the bowling lane - my ball (behavior) doesn't necessarily go straight down the middle of the lane but it doesn't go into the gutter because of my gutter bumpers (knowing my guilt limit).

(Oh my God, you can tell I haven't blogged in awhile because I've forgotten how to make sense to other people!)

Anyway,  my guilt button works in all areas of my life except eating.  I think that's because, if I lie and cheat, I impact other people.  My eating just impacts me (and, yes, I know, the people who love me and want me to live a long time) but mainly just me.

So, that was a very blahblah way to tell you that, what makes me accountable where eating is concerned, is sharing my failures and my successes publicly.  If I 'live out loud', I live better and safer.  True fact.

About six months ago, I knew that I needed to blog but I couldn't figure out how to access my blog.  After the lake fiasco, I knew (again) that I needed to blog so I tried to set it up last night from my phone because I was too lazy to get up and get my computer.

Then today (more about that in a minute) where I "forgot" what I could eat in a restaurant that I've made good choices in many times before - I reached the point where I had to come straight home (still burping up Mexican food) and blog.

But first about the lake:
I was supposed to have knee replacement surgery next week but I cancelled it two months ago.  In Lake Dunlap, outside of New Braunfels, I knew that I DO HAVE TO HAVE knee surgery.  So I'll schedule it for next summer.  However, if I try to tell you that my lake problem was just because of my knee while you are looking at my body, you will know that I'm full of shit.  The truth is, a skinny person with bad knees (or even NO knees) wouldn't have had the problem I had in the lake.

Uhhh,  transparency, Jenny!  My knees probably had little to do with my lake problem.   I know that doesn't give me an excuse not to get knee surgery but my knees just exaggerated my lake problem, they didn't cause it.  (.... and this is the first time I've admitted that even to myself....)

Here is my lake problem in the form of a picture book called Coast Guard Comes To Lake Dunlap.

Jenny and Nina go floating in Lake Dunlap.  Nina is smiling because she doesn't know yet that she will have to haul the float back against the current with her mother in it.  

Jenny is smiling because Nina is pulling the float and because .... Jenny is clueless.  

Jenny not only floats.  She also gloats and throws peace signs.  Again, because she is clueless and has no idea................

................................... that THIS will become the bane of her existence.

 So when it's time to get out of the lake, I just go up the ladder like usual cannot haul myself up the ladder AT ALL.  The rungs are like three feet apart probably at least a foot apart.  After many tries, I finally get my right knee on the second rung but there is NO WAY I can put my weight (PLUS the extra 100 pounds that I carry around for grins) on THAT knee to haul my butt up the ladder.

Here's a blank page in the picture book because there is no way in hell we're going to have pictures of that debacle:

Jenny tried.  And tried and tried.  And tried and tried and tried to come up the ladder.  
She frantically kept saying to Nina, "DON'T TELL ANYBODY!!!".

Nina was getting more and more rattled by the idea of her mother stuck in the lake like the Loch Ness Monster.  (...this could be how that story started out too, ya know!)

Jenny swam from dock to dock trying to find a way out. of. the. fucking. pretty. lake.  

Nina worriedly followed on the shore (going through fences that divided up private properties) trying to stay caught up with her momma in case Jenny decided to drown.

Just when Jenny thought she would have to call the lake-equivalent of the Coast Guard (probably just the drunk guys who kept waterskiing past her),  she found a stranger's dock - on private property, of course - who had a ladder with closer rungs.  

As Nina crawled through another fence, Jenny hauled her butt up the ladder and onto the dock.  

She and Nina vowed to never tell anyone about it.  

But Jenny was left with bruises on her arms that made her look like an abused woman.  

(Which actually is a much more socially acceptable story than that of a fat woman unable to get out of a lake - but Jenny doesn't lie, remember?)  


                                 The End

Story time is over, y'all.

The icing on the cake (is there a non-food-related term for this????) was the fact that I awoke this morning with the commitment to make changes.  I had received two new books about an eating lifestyle change that I wanted to read.   I had fruit and cheese for breakfast and made the commitment to not eat any grains for awhile.

I went to lunch with Gay.  We went to Viola's where I have been A THOUSAND TIMES and stayed on my diet.  All I have to do there is order a bowl of pinto beans and green chile.  It's one of my favorite foods, is good for me, and is something that I allow myself on my Jenny Diet.
Unfortunately, today at Viola's, I looked at the the menu and could find NOTHING for a dieting person to eat.  NOTHING!!!!  So I ordered chips and salsa, a Dallas Burrito (hamburger meat, beans, cheese, sour cream - and named after Texas so I love it), more beans, and a sopapilla with honey.  And ketchup.

After I got home, I thought "BEANS!  THAT'S WHAT I USUALLY ORDER - BEANS!!"  And I decided that I really do need to blog.

Again, I'm not blogging for others to help me.  I'm blogging to help myself.


1 comment:

  1. This reminds me of your come to Jesus moment about alcohol at Donna's cabin a few Thanksgivings ago. I am glad you are blogging again. You are much better at transparency than I am. I appreciate it in you and strive to be more transparent myself. Love you lady.